How To Forgive Someone When You Don’t Want To
It’s completely valid to feel hatred for someone, especially if you’ve been deeply hurt or wronged by them. You may feel like you can never forgive them for what they have done. Forgiveness in this context can still be important for you, for your own peace of mind, even if you never want to have that person back in your life.
In situations like this, people often advise you to just let go and move on, but what if you’re not ready or willing to forgive? Healing from a deep wound takes time, and it’s normal to feel conflicted or resistant about forgiveness. So it’s okay if you’re not ready to forgive yet. However, each step you take brings you closer to peace.
Here are some ways to approach forgiveness when you’re struggling with the idea, and really don’t want to.
Focus on Letting Go Rather Than Forgiving
The word “forgiveness” can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially if the hurt is still fresh. Instead of beating yourself up about having to forgive, consider focusing on “letting go” instead. This subtle shift in your mindset can make the process feel more attainable.
Letting go doesn’t mean you accept what happened. It’s a bit like forgiveness in that you are choosing not to let the emotional burden weigh you down anymore. A practical way to start letting go is to release your angry emotions.
Find a safe space where you can express how you feel, whether it’s through screaming into a pillow, writing in a journal, or talking to someone who will listen without judgment. Don’t let that person build on your hate though! That defeats the purpose. They need to be a listener only.
Recognize the Impact of Your Hate
Holding onto hate can be emotionally exhausting and detrimental to your well-being. It keeps you tied to the past and affects everything in your life, not just your mood. Being hateful takes up a lot of emotional energy. That energy could be put to better use. Turn your hate into love and see where it gets you.
Recognizing the toll that hate takes on your life can be a powerful motivator to start letting go and forgetting the pain.
Know They Suffer Too
It can be incredibly frustrating when the person who wronged you shows no signs of remorse or change. However, it’s important to remember that everyone carries their burdens. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, the person who hurt you may also be suffering, and perhaps even more than you! They might be dealing with guilt, regret, or other internal conflicts.
While it’s natural to want to see them hurt more than you, waiting for them to admit the error in their ways and verbally say they were wrong, can trap you in a cycle of resentment. They may never say or do anything to make you feel better. Instead, consider that they are probably dealing with the consequences, even if you never witnessed it.
Letting go of the need for them to “pay” can be liberating.
Remember The Times You’ve Been Forgiven
We’ve all made mistakes and we’ve wanted to be forgiven by someone else at some point. Reflecting on times when you’ve been forgiven can be a humbling experience.
Remember how relieved and grateful you felt when someone forgave you. Did it feel good and make you happy, if not relieved? This self-reflection can help you be more empathetic towards others.
Set Clear Boundaries
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. It’s crucial to set clear boundaries to protect your well-being. You can forgive someone internally and still decide that maintaining distance is best for you and your mental and emotional health.
Forgiveness is an act of self-care, not a free pass for others to hurt you again. So set your boundaries and protect yourself.
In Summary
Ultimately, forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the control your negative emotions and past hurts have over you. It doesn’t require you to forget or excuse what happened, nor does it mean you must reconcile with the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness is about finding peace within yourself, allowing you to move forward without thinking about them all the time. It will help you clear your mind, free from hurt and hurtful people.