Forgiveness and Reconciliation – Is There a Difference?
Are you having a hard time forgiving someone? Maybe it’s because you don’t, or don’t want to, talk to them anymore, or you feel you can’t restore your relationship with them anyway. However, here’s the thing. Even if any sort of reconciliation isn’t possible, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t or can’t forgive.
Comparing Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Let’s first look at forgiveness. Forgiveness is an internal process that allows you to heal. You work through your pain, reflect on what happened, and let go of the negative feelings to free yourself from any more pain. You can forgive someone without their knowledge or without ever speaking to them again. They don’t have to be a part of your healing process, so you have the independence to heal on your own terms.
Next, let’s look at reconciliation. While forgiveness is or can be an internal process where you work on your own feelings and thoughts, reconciliation requires the involvement of both parties. It focuses on rebuilding trust, resolving conflicts between you, and restoring a positive relationship.
Reconciliation involves you having open communication, mutual understanding, and a willingness from both sides to work towards healing and re-establishing your relationship.
Your goal here would be to mend the broken relationship and rebuild trust. So, you have to go through the process with the other person and work things through together. Both of you must be willing to work together because it takes two people to tango!
Can You Do One Without the Other?
Forgiveness without reconciliation is possible. It’s common in situations where the other person isn’t willing to apologize, accept any responsibility, and doesn’t or can’t make an effort to make amends.
For example, consider a friendship where one person has moved away or even passed away. You can still forgive them ‘internally’ even if you can’t physically reconcile your differences.
However, reconciliation without forgiveness is hard. Rebuilding your relationship still requires forgiveness. If you don’t forgive, you’ll be holding on to past hurts and never really move on. The pain or anger could resurface at any time, so it would be tough to have a healthy relationship with them. You or they would be like a dormant volcano just waiting to erupt.
How To Reconcile With Someone Who Hurt You
Before you reach out to the other person, do some self-reflection to understand your feelings and where you stand. Think about why you want to reconcile and what you want to achieve through reconciling with them.
Here are a few more things you can do.
Decide to Reach Out and Forgive First
When you’re ready, you can take the initiative to talk to the other person first. Reach out through a method that’s comfortable for both of you, whether it’s a phone call or meeting and talking over a coffee. Think of it as opening a door, inviting them into a space where both of you can talk freely.
Even if the other person doesn’t say, “I apologize” or “I’m really sorry for what I’ve done,” you can be the bigger person and be willing to forgive and let go. It’s not always easy, but when you’ve taken that first step, it will make the reconciliation process smoother.
Communicate Openly
Be honest and open about your feelings. Make sure you don’t just blame them. Acknowledge your part in the conflict as there are always two sides to a story. Neither one of you may be wrong, and neither one of you may be totally right.
You must also allow the other person to share their feelings. Listen actively to them, understand where they’re coming from, and show empathy. Don’t just wait for a pause in the conversation so that you can jump in with guns blazing. Both of your feelings are valid. This open communication is a must for you to be able to reconcile your differences.
Find common ground and talk about what you should both do moving forward. You should agree on healthy boundaries so that you can prevent further conflicts. Make sure you discuss what’s acceptable and what’s not in your behaviors to help maintain respect and understanding.
In Summary
Forgiveness and reconciliation may be different processes, but both can help you heal and move on. You can forgive without reconciling, but you can’t really reconcile without forgiveness. So be forgiving for your own sake. If you’re willing to rebuild your relationship with the other person, go for it! Just give each other time to heal and grow.